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47 Meters Down

Release Date: June 16, 2017

Genre: Horror, Thriller

Director: Johannes Roberts

Writer: Johannes Roberts, Ernest Riera

Cast: Mandy Moore, Claire Holt, Matthew Modine

Hey, we found Mandy Moore! She’s been at the bottom of the ocean this whole time.

“I can’t believe you talked me into this.” What, being in this movie? Oh, you mean being in a shoddy dinghy drifting through the waters of Miami(?) She must be nervous because José Fernández is driving. (Too soon?)

“You ladies ready?” First off, why does every young-dumb-full-of-cum millennial on spring break always choose the homeless, meth-addicted tour guide who used his last clean shirt to wipe his early morning vomit off the commissary table? Why can’t we just choose the tour that has an affirming Yelp review, please?

I didn’t know we were watching “Two Girls, One Cage”. BTW: Since when did you need to be in a cage to go Scuba diving? Don’t you need to be certified? Shouldn’t you be wearing Scuba suits? Couldn’t you just go snorkeling instead of getting in a rusted contraption provided by ‘Meth-Head Rentals’?!

“It kinda takes your breath away.” Yes… it definitely does do that because humans can’t breathe underwater. Very good, you’re learning.

“GASP!” There it is. The abrupt, loud CLANG! has been our intro music for Jaws Jr. Does he swim with a large bell around his neck? Again, are you really that surprised a shark is swimming around you? What did you think the cage was for, the deadly Angel Fish?

Annnnd the rope snaps. Hmm, I woulda thought one rope would be strong enough to hold two full-grown adults in a large, shark-proof cage, which resembles a Houdini magic trick more than a tourist escapade.

“We’re sinking!” Again, congratulations, you’re mastering the concept of being underwater. Oh and they apparently already have a built-in Rotten Tomatoes of 47 – I kid, you know it’s gonna get worse than that. No, that little device just gave away the movie title. Yay! We don’t have to watch the movie because we know what 47 meters down means. I wish they spelled it the Canadian way.

Oh great, they’re trapped in a cage surrounded by water. I got an idea…take off your mask! “I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe!” Someone forgot the earlier lesson of taking your breath away. Those oxygen-huffing kids crack me up. “We have to get back to the top.” Thanks, Captain Obvious! It’s time for the synchronized swimming portion.

Hide-N-Go-Swim! I love this game. Tag, the shark’s it. One of them is hiding behind a rock, very good, because sharks can’t smell, they only go by their eyesight…wait a minute. And then comes my favorite line of the trailer, “Hello, is anybody there?” Please tell me she was NOT calling out to any passersby who might also be Scuba diving in the neighborhood. Perhaps she heard a heavy panting, and footsteps coming from the killer shark that likes to collect pretty, young blondes in his basement. Rule number 1 in a horror movie, always ask who is out there. You always get a response, especially from the killer.

“I can’t even see what’s below me.” We’ve been through this, you’re 47 meters down, didn’t you read the title? From the crazy-fast montage of screams, chewing sounds, and blood splatter, I can only conclude that the girls are just fine; nothing a few therapy sessions and a revenge sequel can’t cure. Rule number 2 in a horror movie, always tell the audience that you’re scared, because they all thought this was a comedy. Thanks to the shark for lending quite the acting talent. Isn’t he on This Is Us?

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