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Release Date: July 14, 2017

Genre: Drama, Romance

Director: Michael Mailer

Writer: Diane Fisher, John Buffalo Mailer

Cast: Alec Baldwin, Demi Moore, Dylan McDermott

It’s really refreshing to see that straight, rich, white people are being represented in film these days. I know it’s all just an attempt to be politically correct - since that’s the fad du jour - but you just don’t hear enough about upper class struggles. I didn’t even know they had struggles. I pretend to be liberal, so I’ll sit through a straight rom-dram, but normally I hate when they wave their relationships in my face.

“Happy 19th, Baby”. Birthday? How many 19th birthdays has Demi Moore had? I mean, I know it’s rough for an actress past 40, but I’m not so sure she can pull off being part of the cast of Riverdale. And he got her the crown jewels. How thoughtful! You can’t buy that in a gum ball machine.

It’s my birthday, and I’ll do some illegal insider trading if I want to, trade if I want to. You would scam too if you were Dylan McDermott.

“We’re not guilty in anyway”. Spoken like a true American of the 1%. Of course, you’re not guilty, you’re just wearing that green trash bag because male jumpers are in season.

100 hours of community service? Your honor, please, this woman is wearing a turtleneck dress and has purposefully positioned her hair right out of a L’Oreal commercial. If that’s not the look of innocence – or obliviousness – then I don’t know what is. P.S. community service is basically the death sentence for rich folk.

Honey, those heels. Community service sure does look different when your bank account has seven digits or more. Lemme guess - she has to hold the door open for someone when she exits Louis Vuitton? Massage the paws of an injured Pomeranian? Blame the homeless? Oh god! Read to blind people?! That's disgusting.

“Don’t be alarmed if he touches you.” The nurses are good wingmen. Man, the blind are so lucky. They have a built in excuse to molest people. Hey, it’s Alec Baldwin…with a cane…and the exact same suit he wears in every movie. No costuming budget, huh?

“I’m sure he’s nice once you get to know him.” BURN! Demi had to dramatically look away for that one. Sassy blind guy. You thought just 'cause he can’t see, he can’t read people? He may not have to worry about being blinded by the sun, but this mofo can def throw some shade. T is served.

Aw, she’s reading to him. But apparently, he’s already read this book because Professor Higgins over there had to stop Eliza and mansplain her whole life to her. I’m glad to see this movie won’t be exposition-heavy. We get it: a figuratively blind woman is trying to help a man who is literally blind, yet the blind man is the one helping her to see. They have said the title of the movie too many times to count. This is some deep shit.

Demi’s facial range has been extremely impressive. She can go from confused to puzzled to pondering in the blink of an eye. “You must have dinner with me tonight…and I’ll take you to Paris.” That sounds like a threat. You can’t bully people just because you’re blind. Why didn’t he just say “You must have dinner with me tonight…or I’ll tell your probation officer you snuck out on a blind man.” Saves you buying fuel for your private jet. Wait, why is this gazillionaire in a home for blind people? If I could afford to take trips to Paris after dinner, I’d hire Anthony Hopkins to read to me. Also, have dinner in fucking Paris, not before you get there!

“I want to see the way that you see.” So just close your eyes? Not sure what a blindfold is for, besides being a new chapter in 50 Shades of Grey.

“He’s soaked in the intoxication of her scent.” I think he’s soaked in something else. “Before diving head first into her holiness.” …need I say more? Can all three of them just start a book club already.

He punched a blind man! Bad form, McDermott. And then taps him with a putter. What a thug. “I don’t know what this is anymore”. Honey, I never knew what this movie was.

Sometimes the truth is the hardest thing to see. Ok, I give up. If I roll my eyes anymore, they’ll fall out of my skull. Straight folk: always dramatically staring off into space. They all look like they’re blind or something…oh.

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