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The Mountain Between Us

Release Date: October 6, 2017

Genre: Action, Adventure, Drama

Director: Hany Abu-Assad

Writers: J. Mills Goodloe, Charles Martin (novel)

Cast: Kate Winslet, Idris Elba

In a world divided, two lives drifting apart will come together to face one common enemy: a fuckin’ mountain. Their love will withstand the test of fear, pain, a fuckin’ mountain, and this dramatic piano music which sets the tone for a doomed love story only Nicholas Sparks could poop out. This fall, Golden Globe Winner Idris Elba, Academy Award Winner Kate Winslet, and a fuckin’ mountain star in oh, this…is not the right genre tone is it? Play on dramatic, Hallmark-commercial piano.

“I have an emergency surgery to perform in Baltimore…” First off, this is already starting to sound like a set up for an improv scene: Ok I need a city, a verb, and an activity that would add stress to your already stressful check-in process at Alaska Air(?). Second, check-in clerk don’t care about your problems. I am certainly glad the audience knows Idris Elba’s obstacles without having to write extra scenes to affirm he is indeed a surgeon who needs to perform surgery, but the clerk don’t give a shit. You might as well have let Elba where a stethoscope around his neck and a head mirror since you’re being so expositional.

“I’ll fly wherever I have to tonight to get there for tomorrow morning.” Wherever?? Why don’t you fly into my bedroom and I’ll let you ride in my cockpit tonight. You’ll definitely get to where you wanna go tomorrow morning.

Look at Winslet snoopin’ around, eaves dropping. “Sir? I think we may have the same problem.” She has an emergency surgery to perform in Baltimore too? Plot twist. What is happening in Baltimore to cause all of these emergency surgeries? How many more surgeons have this problem right now? They might as well start their own airline.

“I have an idea.” Keep your ideas to yourself please. Lemme guess, your idea is to sneak onto a private airport, pay a washed up, drunken ex-pilot to give his ol’ girl one final ride in the sky before he retires, fly out of your way over a barren landscape, kill the pilot mid-air, crash, and walk the rest of the way to Baltimore so you don’t have to pay him. Am I close? Was your idea to wear that cowboy hat?

“I’m getting married tomorrow.” “Congratulations” “Oh, no, god no, we’re not, oh boy, oh geez this is awkward, no I would never. Absolutely not. Him?! No, oh, no way, no, god, oh-“ What, too much? I’m sorry this comedy of errors could have gone on all day. Shoulda rehearsed this plan better. Also, number one rule of improv is don’t say ‘no’.

“What took you to Idaho?” Wait! SHUT UP. Idaho?! Idaho to Baltimore? Where in the fuck of all that is potato-kickin’ Idaho is there Himalayan-like mountain ranges? The song goes “purple mountain majesty” not “Everest tundra death-trap.”

“You’re a journalist?” Yes exposition, she is taking a picture of stuff; that makes anyone a journalist in this day-and-age. “That would explain the questions.” It was one fuckin’ question, excuse me for trying to make small talk. That’s it, I’m taking this plane down. No wonder the controls are beeping, the pilot is a mannequin. Tuck and roll! Uuuuhhh continuity? They were facing the other direction.

Did they wake up in each other’s bodies? “HELLO? ANYBODY!” No limo service, huh? Yeah, they ain’t good about that in Narnia, Idaho. “Your phone is smashed. My phone has no signal.” I wonder why that is, oh that’s right because you’re on a fuckin’ mountain in the middle of Idaho. Do they really need to explain that to us? We just witnessed your tinker-toy plane go down, I’d be astonished if you could get Snapchat up there.

“If we stay here we’re safe.” See, this is where the romance begins: they can build a home out of the scrap metal, have a kid, build a snow school for the kid to go to, and die of frost bite. Where did that dog come from? Are they…are they gonna eat the dog? “I don’t wanna die up here because you’re too scared to take a risk.” Marital strife already; she’s growing and he is stagnate. She doesn’t understand that men have an inexplicable phobia about asking for directions.

P.S. Why is Winslet all banged up, but Elba hardly has a scratch, and the dog is completely untouched? I’m sensing some domestic abuse. “The pilot didn’t file a flight plan”. Eat the dog! “We can go three weeks without food, three days without water, and three hours without shelter.” Quite the predicament, but I suppose you could always eat the dog!

Oh, all of a sudden Elba has a wife. This honeymoon is over. They just finished saying no one was looking for them. I don’t know about you, but I certainly disappear into the void of Idaho without telling anyone. “We might die together, and I don’t even know you.” You hijacked a plane and you didn’t even know him. You stuck your hands allover his situation and you didn’t even know him. Insert a montage of Elba wrapping plastic, snapping a twig, and collecting berries – I think I know who his Secret Santa is!

“We’re not gonna die…not today.” You know who did die today? The patient he was supposed to perform emergency surgery on. Winslet takes a short stroll onto thin ice and by the end of the trailer the dog is nowhere to be seen. Mountain: 1, Hollywood: 0.

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