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Living in Los Angeles, the one question I’ve come across or been asked the most - even more than my name - is what sign I am. Before moving out here, I never thought about this, nor did I ever care to pull out an astrological map in order to chart out my destiny for love. First and foremost, who cares?! If you are really going to let the stars, or that asshole Mercury Retrograde – which sounds like an 80s superhero – dictate how your relationship is going to pan out, than I don’t think I see us working out in my deck of Solitaire. The only planet I let dictate anything is Uranus. Thank you and good night.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of our system, let’s go ahead and reach for the stars. I went ahead and filled out a zodiac compatibility chart to see exactly what type of man would fit into my patch of heaven. Pun intended? Probably. Let’s start by stating I am a Scorpio. That’s right, I’m horny ALL the time. The second I mention ‘Scorpio’ to anyone they immediately react with, “that makes sense”. I’m passionate, intense, loyal as all hell, highly sexual, and – my favorite – vengeful as fuck. What’s not to love? I reached out to an astrologist who speaks at international conferences and has even written a few books on the subject. We plotted out my birth year, day, time, location, height, weight, width, blood type, and social security number – I questioned the last few details but he assured me it was my Scorpio paranoia that was preventing me from grasping the keys to the universe.

At the age of 21, he studied in India…I think. Or he said he robbed a 7-11. I can’t really remember. The point is he has trained with mystics and crackpots alike and has generously charted a course - with a free reading? sighting? sheisting? - for what I can only assume is a doomed love boat.

Astrologist: As you know, a time of immense importance - your Transit Period - could be entering into your life as early as Thursday October 12.

Oh, Thursday won’t work for me. Do you think we could push it back? I have a root canal on Thursday. My dentist says I shouldn’t be doing any transitioning that day.

I like how he says 'as you know'. Wouldn't need you if I did, now would I? This ‘transit period’ of which you speak, where am I going?

Astrologist: It is in this time that is fast approaching for you, that you will be able to shake the cloud that may have been covering you and BLOCKING YOU FROM GAINING LUCK AND HAPPINESS, specifically in the areas of LOVE and ABUNDANCE.

Fuckin’ cloud. Stop yelling at me!

Astrologist: Jacob, you may be feeling this Transit Period right now!

I’m feeling something alright. I call it a movement, you call it a transit, tomato, potato.

Astrologist: There is an incredible potential inside you - a Life Force - waiting to break free. It KNOWS that its time has come to be released.

I am currently trying to release it! It’s a clingy motherfucker.

Astrologist: You want to see desire and passion in the face of your loved one, and you want to be the only person to benefit. But be careful not to let your sense of possession gain the upper hand, or your passion might turn into destructive jealousy. Jealousy will destroy what your lucky star wants you to build.

Just stating the obvious, sir. I’m possessive and jealous, take it as a compliment. Is it so wrong that I want to keep you locked up and crippled in the basement? Does it make sense that you are allowed to go out into the open air…stop staring at the waiter! Why did you tell him to ‘have a great day’?! If you go to that bartender one more time! What’s the big idea helping that old man cross the street? Am I not good looking anymore? Just admit it, you’re getting bored of me. Do you love me? Hold me, get the hell away from me! Why don’t you touch me anymore?

I do want to see desire and passion in the face of my loved one. I want to see desire and passion all over his damn face, but not in the eyes. I hear it stings if it gets in the eyes.

Astrologist: Here is some important advice that might help you: persevere in your intimacy, don't let just anyone into your private life, never discuss your problems with anyone you don't completely trust, and make sure the people around you leave you in peace as far as your affairs of the heart are concerned, since they concern only you.

Be guarded and mistrusting. Check!

Astrologist: Venus, along with the other planets that affect your Destiny, may endow you with tremendous Lucky Power. This should have turned out to be very positive for you in terms of love, and the realization of what you really hold dear in life.

Um, not at all. Venus is one lazy prick because I didn’t get any of that. It’s my abundance and I want it now.

Astrologist: It's too bad you didn't request a reading sooner, Jacob. You could be living with all the fortunate events that have passed you by.

Oh, gee wiz, thanks. It’s too bad this session was free because I’d demand my money back. How many ‘fortunate events’ did I miss? Why didn’t you tell me sooner, Starman?!

Analysis: Well, that was a waste. The only bits of information I got from the rest of the reading was a planet and a few numbers I should use more often. I think my stars are broken, or are just very fine procrastinators. I am in no way wiser in terms of learning about my compatibility or what is awaiting me in the future. Excuse me while I finish my transit period.

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