FUNN TOWN'S: Spookalaganza

HEY ALL YOU GHOULS AND GOBLINS! IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR; YOU KNOW, THE MADE UP HOLIDAY BEFORE THE OTHER MADE UP HOLIDAY WHERE YOU STUFF YOUR FAT FACE WITH ENOUGH FOOD TO FEED A VILLAGE AND THEN SCREAM AT YOUR FAMILY FOR NO GOOD REASON; YOU KNOW, THE MADE UP HOLIDAY BEFORE THE OTHER MADE UP HOLIDAY WHERE YOU HANG YOURSELF WITH TANGLED STRING LIGHTS AND BLOW UP DEFLATED SKIING SANTA CLAUS. IT’S HALLOWEEN YOU LIL’ FUCKERS. TIME TO SWALLOW YOUR RAZOR CANDY AND PUT ON THOSE DEVIL AND SEXY ANGEL COSTUMES. FUNN TOWN IS YOUR ONE AND ONLY STOP TO SHOP, SHOP, SHOP! CHECK OUT ALL THE LATEST COSTUMES FOR GIRLS AND BOYS:

For Boys:

Fireman

Policeman

Local State Farm Agent

For Girls:

Sexy Meter Maid

Sexy Coroner

Sexy Local State Farm Agent

For Boys:

Football Player

Baseball Player

Zamboni Driver

For Girls:

Sexy Cheerleader

Sexy Janitor who has walked into the men’s locker room and likes what she sees

Sexy Zamboni Washer complete with running hose and soapy sponges

FUNN TOWN HAS ALL THE COOL COSTUMES COMPLETE WITH ACCESSORIES. COSTUMES SO SCARY YOU’LL GIVE YOUR GRANDFATHER A FUCKIN’ HEART ATTACK. YOU’LL MAKE YOUR BROTHER SHIT HIS PANTS WITH FEAR AND SEND HIM INTO A PARANOID FRENZY THAT WILL RESULT IN DECADES OF NEUROSES AND EARLY ONSET BALDING.

For Boys:

Dracula

Frankenstein

Freddy Krueger

For Girls:

Sexy Vampi-ress

Sexy Loose Spinster who’s been labeled a witch by the parents of the town because of the “spell” she has cast on all the young male teens, but to them she’s a MILF, and the “spell” is her knockout knockers and this one trick she can do with her tongue

Sexy Bride of Frankenstein who has been assembled from bits and pieces of Kim Kardashian, Kate Upton, and Chrissy Teigen.

FORGET THE SCARY MASKS AND GORE, MAYBE YOU WANT TO WEAR UNDERWEAR ON THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR PANTS AND BE A SUPERHERO. MAKE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS STARRING IN YOUR OWN BIG-SPECIAL-EFFECTS-GIBBERISH-PLOT-TO-APPEASE-THE-MASSES MOVIE.

For Boys:

Batman

Superman

Iron Man

For Girls:

A Wonder Woman not as threatening as Gal Gadot so as not to sacrifice your love life because men will be too intimidated and emasculated compared to your sheer power and strength

A Lois Lane not as independent or opinionated as Amy Adams so as not to sacrifice your love life because men just want to be able to save you so they feel like they are worth something and are owed the demeaning blowjob they will beg for later

A Black Widow who doesn’t talk. At all. So as not to sacrifice your love life because men just want a Scarlett Johansson that doesn’t speak.

MAYBE FICTION IS FOR NERDS. DRESS UP LIKE A PUBLIC FIGURE. COSTUMES SO REAL, IT’S LIKE YOU TORE OFF THEIR SKIN AND ARE WEARING THEM LIKE A PONCHO.

For Boys:

Donald Trump

Bill O’Reilly

Harvey Weinstein

For Girls:

The Woman that O.J. killed

A Secretary who gets asked to stay late and is forced to endure uncomfortable flirtatious advances from her boss because she has to pay off her student loans for going to night school to learn to be an Instagram Influencer, and for some reason the male boss thinks he’s being really fucking clever and charming even though his jokes are corny and he is utterly repulsive

Sexy Ashley Judd

FUNN TOWN IS YOUR DESTINATION TO WASTE MONEY AND DRESS LIKE EVERY OTHER KID ON THE BLOCK. ONE DAY YOU’LL GROW UP AND STILL WANT TO WEAR COSTUMES, BUT THE MEANING OF HALLOWEEN WILL CHANGE FOREVER. SOON IT WON’T BE ABOUT CANDY OR GOOD SCARES. IT WILL BE ABOUT SEX, SEX, SEX.

SO SHOP, SHOP, SHOP!

BUT WAIT! COMING IN NOVEMBER DON’T FORGET ABOUT OUR OTHER FUN HOLIDAY DECORATIONS:

Gravy-flavored lube

Cranberry condoms

Roasted turkey-shaped fleshlight

Cornucopia vibrator

Ornament S&M hardware

Mrs. Santa Claus Lingerie

HAPPY HORRORWEEN!