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4-Star Personality

Every dumb-bum online dating site comes with a survey. But not just any survey, one scientifically proven, tested, mapped out, drawn on, caved in, and guaranteed to know a subject better than they even know themselves. How? It’s science! The scientists went to school to dismantle your brain with a few, simple yes or no questions, which they deem to be important when making or breaking a relationship. Questions such as:

Are you a top or bottom?

Do you have experience being in a slave/master relationship?

For you personally, is abortion an option in case of an accidental pregnancy?

I’m not making those questions up. That’s what scientists made up. My personal favorite is the last one. Since this has absolutely no bearing on myself or my potential partner, I like to imagine they are suggesting I have a choice for other people. I know as a male I already control women’s bodies, but I just like the notion of extra authority; that at any time I could walk up to a fully pregnant woman and demand she immediately remove the foul increase within. Decrease the surplus population! P.S. “accidental pregnancy” sounds redundant.

As far as I’m concerned, I appreciate the effort these scientists have made, but these questions fall short. I don’t really care if you talk about politics while eating, or believe God is an atheist, or only kiss someone on your sixth date, even though you drunkenly French strangers every Friday night at the bar. I’ve decided to create my own personality questions which better fit what I’m looking for. I may be no scientist, but I think I know what really matters when the condoms are down. Who knows, maybe these questions are important for you too. Try ‘em out on a love applicant, and you tell me it doesn’t tell you plenty about who they really are.

1. You’re an FBI agent fresh out of the academy. A novice to your profession, you are assigned to interview a cannibalistic serial killer. How do you feel about the situation?

A) You don’t like you’ve been given such a dangerous assignment on your first solo case, and will politely decline. Maybe there’s a fraudulent check being passed around you could handle.

B) You’re excited your new potential informant is sadistic and psychotic in a gross way. This could provide hours of stimulation. Who knows, you might be inclined to further his work.

C) You are slightly scared, though are willing to go to any lengths in order to save a victim, because you believe this will somehow stop your own nightmares of being helpless.

2. The South is burning. You used to be rich until civil war took away your family’s wealth and home. You’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back, and who can barely be described as a man. A rich, handsome manly-man comes into town and wants to give you everything. What do you do?

A) Burn with your crops.

B) Forget the wimpy man, I’m in hunk heaven!

C) Be a bitch to the only man who has ever loved you and pine for some half-a-sissy who has a girl’s name, then at the last moment, realize you are about to lose what you always had and beg for forgiveness.

3. You’re an alien egg chillin’ on your deserted home planet. A foreign ship lands filled with beings that are strange to you. The beings start to take off their gloves so they can better poke you. How do you react?

A) Just pretend to be a lifeless egg and maybe they won’t take you with them as sample.

B) Try to communicate in a diplomatic way to establish peaceful contact.

C) Fuckin’ freak out and latch onto their face, thereby getting some seed into their mouth so that later you can burst out of their fuckin’ stomachs.

4. You’re a hermit who has been binge watching the latest season of Stranger Things, but this has eaten up a few days in a row, and you have not seen the sun or spoken to another person. Because of this, society has deemed you to be a psychotic recluse. You see two kids walking home, one of whom is dressed like a ham. An attacker begins to harass the children. What do you do?

A) Assume someone else is seeing this ham get attacked and will be doing something about it.

B) Question your reality, and the reasoning behind being dressed like a ham. Also question what type of ham specifically.

C) Run out of the safety of your home and disprove what others have judged you to be by saving the ham…but then viciously plunge a knife into the attacker’s gut, thereby proving half of society’s theory.

5. You find a small door which opens up to a tunnel in the middle of your work office. This tunnel is a portal into an actor’s head. This actor is John Malkovich. You’ve found a portal into John Malkovich. Do you…

A) Seal that shit up because no one wants to see that.

B) Try to find another portal; preferably one into Channing Tatum’s body.

C) Find extreme pleasure in living someone else’s life and yearn to actually be that person, so much so that you trap yourself in obsession, completely erasing your own identity.


If you answered “A” to the above questions then you are a coward pretending to be a good-deed-doer. Don’t fret, there are plenty of people who are like you. They go around telling people what a humanitarian they are, but in actuality would rather nothing unsettle their existence. If you answered “C” to the above questions then your morals are questionable. You are self-absorbed and though tell people you try to please everyone and want to get to know anybody, you are really just waiting for your turn to speak, if you even allow for dialogue. The date is for you, the sex is to please you, and that last cocktail weenie is all yours, Big Headed One. If you answered “B’ to the above questions…I like the cut of your jib. Your daring, adventurous, and are quite passion-fueled. You don’t care what anyone thinks, and the way you walk your own walk is what gets people intrigued. Well done.

Take that scientists.

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