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A Message of Peace

We at Blog for Shmucks would like to extend a letter to our community during this warm and fuzzy Holiday Season. When bringing up the notion of declaring a message of peace, our Sheisty lawyers – who all sport moustaches (it’s very hard to tell them apart) – would only allow us to publish said message as long as they put a few annotations to clarify our words and statements during this turbulent era of political correctness, and transparent stances. They would also like us to clarify that we are not calling them “sheisty”, but indeed they are all brothers with the family name Sheisty. They realize the irony in deciding to all go into law, but are as puzzled as we are as to why they are fond of facial hair.

A Message of Peace

The holidays are a special time(1) in which to reflect how kindness and generosity(2) can make an impact on the world(3) around us. The Holiday spirit(4) is alive and well and can be spread across the globe. This feeling, however, should not just last during the season of “giving”(5).

Human beings(6) exist on a tiny rock(7) that spins day in and day out. We are born, we grow, and we die in a glorious yet vicious cycle that defines some of our time here on Earth(8). As a species, we are still unclear to the nature and purpose of our existence. Some believe we are meant to procreate(9), some believe we are meant to live out a plan designed by a higher power(10), and some believe we don’t even exist at all(11). It is this reason alone why we must help our fellow species; why we must never turn our backs on one another to declare “this is not my problem.”(12) An afterlife(13) or not, our time here is short, and in the grand scheme of things, unrecognizable. We are the only species with consciousness(14), why not connect and make that connection last(15).

During a time of war, civil unrest, and a need for equality(16), there is no time for hate. We are all under attack by a common enemy: ignorance and fear(17). Do not fear the bizarre, do not fear the uncomfortable(18). Embrace all forms of love, hope, color, creed, thought, and art(19). How special it is to be alive; to feel a full spectrum of emotion, and pain, and happiness, and survival(20). Do not just give because you are feeling excited to receive what you believe you deserve. The true test of fulfillment is to give when you know you won’t benefit; when you receive no happiness from your act.(21)

While tolerance is key, there should be no tolerance for hate; no tolerance for divide. We must remain true to the idea of a free and open existence(22); one not barred by social obligation, or judgement, or hate. Even if it is not your cause, even if you have no cause(23), do not let others get trampled, or thrown aside, or dismissed. Live a spirit(24) of compassion all year round, and remember everyone is fighting silent battles. While our battles are singular, we don’t have to fight them alone.

Happy Holidays and All my Love(25),

Jacob Cullen


1. We’d like to define this time as immediately following Halloween up until the New Year. All major stores must start putting out their Christmas decorations as soon as possible, so everyone can get Sexy Dancing Santa Claus.

2. “Generosity” is here defined as purchasing Buy One, Get One Free so you can have one and give the freebie as a gift, and/or regift as many coffee mugs as you collect, you know the ones with cats on them.

3. The “world” being defined as the United States of America; the only world that matters.

4. The term “spirit” is not related to any Holy Ghost or alcoholic refreshment. We do not represent nor speak for such a Ghost, but if we did, we’d assume it’d say thinks like “Boo” or “oooo, ahhhh”.

5. “Giving” has no connotation with giving an STD, or giving out parking tickets; “giving” can be linked to giving relationship ultimatums during the holidays, or giving away fruit cakes that have been sitting in the cupboard since last holiday.

6. “Beings” related to the human variety. This applies to no other variety, especially actors.

7. We are in no way diminishing or humiliating the size of the rock. It’s not the size of the rock that counts, it’s how fast it spins.

8. “Earth” is hereby defined as the 3rd Rock from the Sun. We loved that show. Wasn’t John Lithgow great? And how cute is young Joseph Gordon-Levitt? Who knew he’d grow up to be such a distinguished actor?

9. Lawyers do not believe in procreation. We’d only believe in it if every baby came with a retainer. Otherwise, procreation gives us no joy whatsoever.

10. The “higher power” in question could either be an all-encompassing cosmic force, or just some shmuck in a bathrobe, failing miserably at completing a maze on a kids’ menu.

11. Nihilists. If you’re not reading these footnotes, you’re a nihilist.

12. It’s not our problem if you continually declare “this is not my problem.”

13. An “afterlife” can be heretofore defined as Boca Raton, Florida. If you were born in Boca, we define that journey as purgatory.

14. “Consciousness” does not relate to uncontrollable thoughts of fire, enjoyment of monster trucks, or the state you are in after your fifth tequila shot. “Consciousness” does relate to thinking about sex, having sex, feeling sexy, or planning your next sexscapade………………….sex.

15. Please try to last more than 2 minutes. I mean, it’s really hard to even get a rhythm going when you’re gunning for closure halfway through. Just think about something that will make the experience extended, or go slower. Sorry, we’re on a tangent of consciousness.

16. Everyone can have equality. Except women, or ethnicities, or LGBT, or any faith other than Christianity. Isn’t that fair? See? Equality isn’t that hard.

17. And clowns.

18. Fear clowns. That’s understandable. Fearing gluten doesn’t make sense, but clowns…definitely.

19. Do not embrace Installation Art. It’s just dumb. How is a bunch of potato chips scattered on a tarp representing globalism? I just see a mess.

20. If you can survive an 18-hour flight in a cramped seat, with the person’s seatback dropped into your lap, and 12 screaming babies belonging to inept parents, that’s survival!

21. A blowjob can be considered an act of giving when you’re not in the mood. You made someone happy, but now you have to brush your teeth again. Or do you?

22. We relate “open existence” to free-range chicken. You have the illusion of being able to roam free, but that will last up until an ax is aimed at your neck.

23. Even if you’re Santa Claus. See what we did there? This joke will not hold up in a court of law.

24. Don’t fly Spirit.

25. We are unable to quantify how much love is actually given to you, the reader. This is not an admission of 100% love considering you’re not paying for this message of peace. Peace should also not be noted as an admission of surrender, but a temporary sense of safety before someone’s trigger accidentally goes off. At any time we may request for said “love” back, or even take an interest of 1% on the love you give.

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