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New Year's Resolutions 2018

It’s a New Year, and a New You! Right? God, let’s hope so. We all have aspirations to do things right THIS 365-day round, but let’s face it, we won’t actually do it. Sure you can plan on a diet after that last Holiday pie caused you to use an extension cord to hold up your trousers. Or you really can’t afford another cigarette since they are drilling a hole in your trachea. Maybe you promised to put down the drink because your kids all hate you for running over Santa Claus. Whatever you plan on doing to make yourself a better human being, it ain't gonna work. Stop posting it on social media, lest you want people to call you out when you fail.

You want to know whose resolutions we do care about? Celebrities of course! We’ve asked the rich, famous, and powerful what their resolutions were for the near-future, and they agreed to share them in confidence. So, we decided to keep their privacy and dignity in tact by sharing their goals with you!


A) Hit the ground running for President in 2020

B) Buy Trump Towers, rename them “Trumped Towers”

C) Have affair with Melania

Hugh Jackman

A) This year, I’m really going to come out of the closet.

James Franco

A) Run!

Logan Paul

A) Receive the most likes by committing suicide on YouTube. Righteous!

Spinning Fidget

A) What the fuck is my point?!

Queen Elizabeth II

A) Time to reclaim the colonies

Harvey Weinstein

A) Change name

B) Find new employment

C) Try Tinder

Kevin Spacey

A) Change name

B) Find new employment

C) Add a profile pic on Grindr. Not the face though.

Christopher Plummer

A) Replace Kevin Spacey in every movie he’s ever made. Especially “Nine Lives”.

Matt Lauer

A) Figure out how Bill O’Reilly became a national treasure after being accused of sexual harassment.

James Comey

A) Find a new job

Reince Priebus

A) Find a new job

Anthony Scaramucci

A) Find a new job

Sean Spicer

A) Find a new job

Steve Bannon

A) Find a new job


A) Find a new reality show

Donald Trump

A) Build “The Button”. Make North Korea pay for it.

B) Figure out what makes Smilin’ Bob so happy on those Enzyte commercials.

C) Enroll in night kindergarten

D) Try using Snapchat

Barack Obama

A) Use the phrase “I told you so” more often.

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