Location, Location, Location

Congratulations! If you are reading this then you have successfully endured the sweaty and anxiety-ridden preliminary stages of conquering a mate. You have found your balls – or lady balls – and mumbled out something to the likes of “Would you like to awkwardly sit in the same room as me as we wait patiently for the excruciatingly painful ‘good night’ which will either lead to a dry-mouthed kiss or a slap in the face? Or even a potential ‘fuck it’ handsies/blowsies session?” You have a first date! The next obstacle: where the hell do you take them? First off, no matter what anyone says, DO NOT take your date to the movies. If you think it is attractive to sit in darkness for two hours with a complete stranger, then by all means cut a hole in the bottom of your popcorn bag. If you don’t prescribe to the borderline serial killer method of getting to know a person, then here are a few fun and creative ideas to truly bond with your potential human cum sock.

If you are reading this and you don’t have a first date, then please carry on with the thought that you are completely and utterly alone. Just kidding, you can come to. But you will be that creepy person that might be caressed by pity or by a security guard.

1. A trip to the junk yard! Nothing says bonding like scavenging through other people’s unwanteds. Who knows what you will find. Don’t be fooled by the smell, the junk yard is an excellent place to get to know what people treasure. Maybe you find an antique that is worth millions? Maybe you find cute matching pajamas – just make sure to bleach the stains! Maybe you find a severed limb from a mobster hit? You’ll get your date in stitches when you engage in a game of charades with a rotting arm. P.S. How romantic would it be if your date stepped on a rusted fence and you had to carry them to the emergency room before the sepsis seeked in.

2. An Eyes Wide Shut party! I know what you’re thinking, isn’t this jumping the gun? No way nerd! You and your date are about to embark on the experience of a lifetime, and you’re doing it on your first date. You guys will have something to talk about for years to come. This is an excellent way to see how your date reacts in orgy environments. You’ll get to see firsthand if they prefer to be a voyeur or a participant. Maybe they are freer if they explore their surroundings naked. Boom. You’ve just gotten your mate out of their clothes without having to be the perv who does it for them. Since it’s a masked party, you could even make a game out of it by trying to find them in the crowd, just by the shape of their genitalia. Added bonus: you might walk out with your date, a whole new date, or your date AND a few whole new dates. Look out Casanova!

3. A surprise bank heist! In this scenario, not only are you spontaneous, adventurous, and a criminal, but you are really being vulnerable pinning your date in a real moral bind. The surprise is an important factor here. First, make it seem as if you are taking them to some fine Italian dining, but wait, you forgot to get cash from the ATM. Stop off at your nearest bank and when you are both inside, pull out your favorite stockings. Make sure to bring an extra pair for your date. There is no bigger turn off than seeing how little you planned this felony and exposing your date to CCTV. Include your date in the fun and give them a task, like keep an eye on the security guard, or collect from the tellers, or even getaway driver. You’ll get their adrenaline pumping, which might even lead to some hot thrill-sex. You could even display how compassionate you are by letting some innocent bystanders go free, or being nice to the kid who just pissed himself when you waved your gun in his face.

4. The Most Dangerous Game! The very definition of bonding is being isolated in the woods with one goal: survival. Find yourself an eccentric millionaire – I’m sure you can Craigslist this – and offer him the chance to participate in the ultimate hunt. You and your date will venture out into the woods with only a few essentials. Want to find out who the hunter and gatherer in your future relationship is? Live off the land by night, and by day, literally run for your life as the eccentric millionaire hunts you for sport. How calm can your date stay under pressure? How easy is it for them to navigate the wilderness? Are they fight or flight? These are just some of the questions you can easily answer with this fun, instinctual, cardio-based exercise. Not to mention, communing with nature is just another excuse to let loose the wild beast in you. You also just made a friend who is an eccentric millionaire. Wahoo, go you!

5. A date within a date! This one’s trippy, and only a select few have gone to the next level of a date within a date within a date. You have picked your favorite restaurant to go to – the one where everybody knows your name. You set a time for your date, and will pick them up. You look good, they look good, and you are seated at your favorite table. The waiters are happy to see you, and your date thinks you must be one popular person. Halfway into the appetizer, you look over at the door and notice your other first date has just arrived. Awkward, right? Wrong! Why? Because you planned this. Each date has an overlap of 30 minutes. You have the waiter pull up an extra chair and let the challenge begin. While you are digging into your 10-pound steak, your two dates are competing against each other for your attention. They interview themselves, and question each other’s motives. No stress on your part; no need to fill in the silence. This could potentially be an expensive first date, but if you all go Dutch, I don’t see a problem. Who do you leave with? Well, that’s your decision, my Lothario.