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Truth or Dare

Release Date: April 13, 2018

Genre: Horror, Thriller

Director: Jeff Wadlow

Writers: Jillian Jacobs, Michael Reisz, Christopher Roach, Jeff Wadlow

Cast: Tyler Posey, Lucy Hale, Sam Lerner

Ok, who’s pumped to see some sexy college kids get horribly massacred by some unknown force that serves no rhyme or reason for existing in this world? I know I certainly am. I hope it’s an ancient curse they dug up. Or, no, wait, how about a disgruntled ghost that seeks revenge? Even better, maybe a gaggle of Gremlins that only attack during sex?! It’s a…IT’S of truth or dare. Oh.

Good beers, good friends, good times! “Are you aware that Olivia is in love with your boyfriend?” Nope, I have no idea who you people are. This is fun, next question. “Let’s get this party started!” Oh yeah, we are 12 seconds in and already there is some hot-to-trot female-on-female action. That’ll put male butts in those seats. See, Ladies? Hollywood has been totally corrected by this #metoo movement. There is absolutely no fundamental problem with the institution, it was just the boatload of men that did YOU wrong. Now let’s all get back to the gratuitous lesbian makeout sesh purely designed for the male gaze.

“What are your intentions with our sweet Olivia?” Who the hell is this Olivia? And why are you talking like a Jane Austen novel? “I needed to find someone with friends who I could trick into coming here.” Huh? To an abandoned warehouse? Losers. I bet if you just mention a case of beer you could get a whole college campus to your warehouse. “I could tell Olivia was an easy target.” ‘Cause she’s a single woman? Don’t boo me, they set the shot up like that. “I brought you all up here ‘cause I’m ok with strangers dying if it means I get to live.” And the award for biggest killjoy goes to…

“The game is real.” What game?! Nothing is at risk; it’s just a dumb exercise in wasting time for people who keep secrets or are too chicken shit for spontaneity. “Wherever you go, whatever you do, it’ll find you.” Boy if that isn’t the most overused line in a horror movie. You know it’s passed from film to film because “it” never gets defined! And with that, all her friends ditched her. What did you expect? She’s an easy mark. Jump scare! We all just decided to take this party into the corner. Have you seen our masks made out of putty?

“Something really weird has been going on ever since Mexico.” I told you not to drink the water.

“Something really weird has been going on ever since Mexico.” Next time don’t sneak illegals up your bum.

“Something really weird has been going on ever since Mexico.” You should have gotten more free morning-after pills while you were there.

“This fine young lady here just dared me to show you my biznezz.” This demon likes to get freaky. “Refuse to play and you die.” I guess he should have just showed them his biznezz. He really went as far as to call it “biznezz” and then remembered he had a paper on male shame and sexuality to write? Oh, nice neck crack.

“We’re not playing the game…it’s playing us.” It’s not our turn…it’s the game’s turn. We don’t win…the game wins. It’s not our rules…it’s the game’s rules. And…what does “the game” get from all this, besides finally being a game people want to play?

“Only choose truth.” Boooring. “Marky’s constantly cheating on Lucas!” WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

“That’s not how this works.” Really? Uh, I’m pretty sure it does. That’s weird because I could have sworn the rules of the game were in the name itself! You had two options, now putty-face in the mirror is deciding to add more convoluted rules. What is this Monopoly? “Only game decides.” Only game learn to speak pretty one day.

Oh, it’s texting now. Tech-savvy game. “Break Olivia’s hand.” She sounded as if she was bored by the game’s unimaginativeness. “Half these people in this photo are now dead.” Hm, I’m more of an optimist and say half of them are still alive. Does she carry that photo wherever she goes? Is she trying to find her lost friends who left her because she wanted to play a damn child’s game?!

“We need to find what started all this.” Road trip! Back to Mexico to find the deadbeat Daniel Radcliffe-look-a-like. Let’s catch up and see what he’s doing with his life now that he’s been free from this curse. Oh, the Mexican cartel is after the gringo that took their coke. Good thing your easy mark friends are back.

Now, they’re just being reckless: drunk tightrope walking, standing too close to a vending machine, lighting a cigarette while in a puddle of their own gasoline, and pocketing their pen…in their eyeball. “Dare me to choose which one of you to kill.” All of them please. Well, now we don’t have to see the movie since we know everyone is dead. Oh, wait, just when I thought it was over someone is riding a pony. Asphyxiation…kinky.

Next, I propose we turn 20 Questions into a horror movie. Or Spin the Bottle. Or Pin the Tail on the Donkey. No, I got it…definitely Punch Buggy. That shit is real.

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