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It's Such a Crime

When the latest crime stats for 2017 were announced in September, it wasn’t too difficult for anyone to accept that crimes in America ain’t going away. No, sir they are not. Violent crimes and murder rose a staggering 4.1 and 8.6%, respectively. Seems like a no-brainer given that we live in one of the few parts of the world that has not made any effort to lay down reasonable legislation that might restrict the ability of men, women, children, children’s friends, and the pets of their children’s friends from accessing weapons that wreak mass destruction in mere seconds. And, now it’s the end of the year; time to let you know about some of the highlighted crimes of the past annum, but FS is thinking: this is too fucking easy. Also, how funny is it going to be for BFS’ readers to hear news about a guy who rammed his truck through a crowd of people who got in his way as he tried to mount the curb and cruise down his freshly-created HOV, formerly a sidewalk? That is like telling you the person next door brushed her teeth with the wrong end of the toothbrush. Oops; happens every day.

So, what then? There is still crime to be talked and bandied about at the end of this or any other year. I present you with: the five STUPIDEST crimes of 2017. They are in no particular order. There may be more than five; there may even be five stupider crimes, but trust me this is not a piece you waste a whole lot of time on. So, shut up and read.

  1. If your name is Misty Velvet Dawn (MVD), there is no way on god’s green earth you are going to make a life on this planet and NOT commit a crime? As suspected, MVD didn’t disappoint. MVD was born to one Patricia S many moons ago. Eventually, Patricia lost custody of all her little tykes. OK, to make a long story terminal, turns out kids grow up. MVD did just that; she met, fell in love with and married – that’s right – MVD and Patricia’s incestuous relationship was ultimately busted. Can’t be easy to plead guilty to incest, and ask if you can stay up late; not these days.

  1. Apparently, some old coot in Baltimore didn’t get the memo that the little darlings riding a public school bus are allowed to frolic and make general assholes of themselves as they ride to/from school; even if that behavior spills outside the vehicle – as in a bottle thrown at and shattering on a passing car. Memo-less said coot attempted to board the tykes’ vehicle, apparently for vengeance. The bus driver slammed the door on the coot and put the pedal to the metal, requiring the coot to go all Bruce Willis at the front end of the bus, holding on…until what? Until he could smash through the windows and commandeer the bus? Has the whole world gone mad? I digress.

  1. Lots of other older coots are not receiving necessary life memos. How else would you know that utility companies have a right-of-way to portions of your property when they need to repair YOUR problems? In this story, another oldster decided he did not need to go to Vito Corleone for justice. Instead, he went to….his piece. The ole gunhand casually shot out the tires of an AT&T truck parked at his house. The dude was hauled off to jail. He’s lucky he also failed to read the memo about the rights of utility companies to take his wife as a prize.

  1. This one gets a quick nod for best costumes in a heist as three punks in a hick town in Florida engaged in a string of robberies of…gift cards. Apparently yet-another old coot store dick caught the three drag queens ripping off gift cards at the store’s self-serve register. The dick reported she was shocked, but bedazzled.

  1. If ‘Misty Velvet Dawn’ is obvious, so is ‘Michael Scott Wilson’. Enough said. Mike got tired of his wife. Mike never received the rule-of-life memo stating: If you don’t want to be married, FILE FOR A FUCKING DIVORCE. He rigged the front door to the family home, hoping to give his bride….50000 volts. He may indeed be shmuck of the year simply for changing his FB status to ‘Widowed’ before any bad deed was done.


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