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Wish Upon

Release Date: July 14, 2017

Genre: Fantasy, Horror, Thriller

Director: John R. Leonetti

Writer: Barbara Marshall

Cast: Joey King, Ryan Phillippe, Ki Hong Lee

Close your eyes and wish for a new horror movie about a genie who lives in a jewelry box that plays a stock, slowed-down, creepy nursery chime, and who can grant wishes to die for, but it’s not The Box or Wishmaster. WISH GRANTED! The price you have to pay is sitting through the film.

First off, I love this country’s obsession with watching horny teenagers get horribly mutilated. We have a love-hate relationship with the youth of America, but they’ll bounce back – they’re young and springy.

“Mama?” Mama, can you hear me? Mama, are you there? Mama dead! She gone and hanged herself, because death is more of a comfort than you are, my little, pig-tailed, soon-to-be-traumatized brat. Everything is already menacing in this movie: the attic, the gate lamp, the lack of recycling bins in that dumpster area. How can you not separate paper from plastic? How?! Answer me this, what are they doing dumpster-diving? “Clare, you find anything?” Besides her mom’s corpse? Yes, a rusted needle for ya. Nothing says get a job more than salvaging scrap metal in residential bins. Is this finally the Garbage Pail Kids movie we’ve been waiting for?

Oh she found it; discarded like a…well, a rusted, old jewelry box. I got an idea, wipe the dried blood off, wrap it and regift. Now, that’s thrifty. She gave it to herself apparently and it reads like Jumanji. Don’t roll a 5 or 8. Did she wish to be back in high school? Man I miss the days of using my own tears to get the splattered spaghetti sauce off my vintage hipster sweater.

Hey, kids, it’s your Uncle Jacob here. Fun PSA for you: are you getting bullied? Are you sick and tired of being white, straight, and too pretty for your own good? Why try and deal with the situation like a mature adult when you could just wish it away? Use Bully-B-Gone from Evil Spirit. Sure, you’ll lose your soul, but at least you’ll horrifically punish a person with demons of their own. Because remember, you’re the most important person on Earth. Nothing bad can happen to you.

P.S. Maybe you wouldn’t get bullied so much if you stopped using markers to draw at your arts and crafts kiddy table. Is her name really Darcy Chapman? Did she really use the word ‘rot’? A bit on-the-nosey if you ask me. Damn, Mean Girls got dark.

“I can wish for anything I want. Money…” Wow, you wasted a wish on the new 5-series BMW…in white. Hm. I guess I would have gone with a Lamborghini myself, but that’s cool…the genie must not have the best credit.

“Love”. Nice Chad Michael Murray-look-a-like. Again, I probably would have wished for Channing Tatum to murder his wife, eat his kids, and love me forever, but I get it, your perspective is narrowed to the best years of your life known as high school.

“When the music ends, the blood price is paid.” Where’d you learn this, Demonology 101? If everyone and their loved ones is dead after “they” open the box, how do you know the box did it? How do you know about a “blood price” – whatever the fuck that is? Huh? Huh?!

*Obligatory spine crack* Someone wish for a chiropractor.

“What does it want?” Is she not paying attention? A blood price! “Your soul.” Oh, what happened to the blood price? Price check on blood, please. Price check on blood.

“I wish” Oh my god she turned into a dog!

“It’s controlling you.” Typical teenagers: starting fights, drowning old people in bathtubs, pushing people down stairs, rewiring elevators, crying, talking on their cellphones, running and then running in reverse – make up your mind! Man I miss the days of using my own tears to get the splattered blood off my vintage hipster sweater.

I wish for that woman to get her out-of-style hair braid caught in the kitchen sink garburator. WISH GRANTED! She’d look better as a Sinead O’Connor anyway. Ding! Trailer’s done, crap is served.

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